Top Ten List for 2009

I read blogs. I love reading blogs. I read alot of blogs. There's been this list that's been floating around recapping the previous year. There's memes regarding the previous year. I've been toying with the idea of doing either one but I'm just not sure that I can. Plus does anyone else really care? I mean, really?

And I'll just assume that there are people reading and are interested in our sad, lame, boring and pathetic lives.

My Top Ten List for 2009, in no particular order.

1. My little family of four.

2. My sisters.

3. My laptop. ( I know, materialistic but I need to be honest. I love my laptop)

4. My health

5. My job.

You know, you'd think that 10 wouldn't be that high of a number but oh my God. I think I have to stop at 5. If I did any more than five then really it would be stretch. I have to be honest this past year was, for the most part, brutal. The start of 2009 is sort of a blur. I mean, I know that I lived it but I just don't quite remember alot of it. I think that I was just going thru the motions. And then sometime in the Spring, I woke up out of my trance. My life was still shitty, I was still crying alot but it wasn't quite as painful. The ache was still there but the pain had lessened.

Then I made a conscious decision to live. To be happy. To be an adult and make the most out of my life and to put my own family first. My small, little family was my priority.

And so this past Summer was good. It was like an awakening for me. To appreciate my husband who, while not understanding me all the time, still loves me. Who supports me, who raises our son and looks after me. To love my son and cherish whatever time that we have together. Because in the big scheme of things, you just don't know, do you? And to embrace my dog, who is getting older and slower but still so very smart and loveable.

And then the Fall. Oh, the Fall of 2009 kicked me in the proverbial nuts. And then pissed on me while I was down writhing in pain. I have alot of different emotions running through me. There's alot of different things aching to get out. But possibly that's for a future blog post.

If you don't see me cry, please don't think that I don't. I just can't go down that road again. I can't lose that much of myself again. And you know what? It's a completely different situation and there is a completely different set of emotions to deal with. You don't know me. Don't think that you do. There isn't a right or a wrong way to grieve. This is definitely a future blog post.

In preparation for this post, I pulled last year's "BS" (Best Shot) list for 2009. How did I do?

This is my BS for 2009

• I will not gain more weight - well, up until dad died, I had actually lost 12 pounds. And then I gained it all back in 2 months
• I will become more spiritually aware of my surroundings - this one is really hard to gauge. I think that I am but I could probably try harder
• I will try to see it from the other person's perspective - I actively try and do this. I am well aware of my shortcomings and I work hard at this one. To take a step back and take a moment before speaking.
• I will try at least one new thing - I tried alot of new things this year. Not very exciting but the one I will share with you is that I took a knitting class.
• I will read more non-fiction books...no, I will read ONE non-fiction book - I was very successful at this one. I read a couple of non-fiction books. The problem that I actually had was that I didn't write down any titles!
• I will make a budget - didn't do :(
• I will stick to my budget - see above
• I will organize my home desk - sort of, kind of, maybe organized it a bit.
• I will TRY and be tidier and less of a pack rat - really, I try. I have cleaned up a bit and thrown some stuff out. I have to be strict with myself with what I need to keep and what I need to throw away. I try to make an effort. But biggest motivating factor behind this is the TV show "Hoarders" on A&E. Every time I watch this show, it always gives me a boost to clean up.

My BS List for 2010

• I will LOSE weight
• I will continue reading non-fiction
• I will make a budget
• I will stick to the budget
• I will continue to be tidier
• I will try one new thing this year
• I will put my family first (although this one should probably be first on the list!)

2009 Wrap Up - New Years Eve

I remember when I used to go all out for New Year's Eve. Remember those days? The need to know which was the best party. Making sure that all your friends were going to the same party. Getting tickets. Getting all dressed up. Getting wasted. Counting down to midnight. Partying until the wee hours of the morning. Waiting FOREVER for a cab. Being so hungover the next afternoon when you finally wake up.

Oh those were the days. Now I just try and stay awake until midnight and then I go to bed.

Although this year was slightly different.

Ed was in town and came by for dinner. Nothing beats a bunch of appetizers for dinner. Love it. We didn't get dressed up but John sort of dressed up. My friend, Alaysha, sent him this jacket when he was born. (this jacket and a pair of biker boots.) We've been waiting for John to be big enough to wear the jacket.

I made homemade vanilla ice cream with my new ice cream maker. (I know how to party, don't I?)

And then we watched the juniors hockey game. Canada vs US.

And then because we are super boring, Ed left to go to a party with some other more entertaining friends.

Steven, John & I watched the hockey game. Then as per the normal routine, John went to bed. Steven & I continued to watch TV. I celebrated the new year by drinking some white wine. (woot! Go me!)

11:50pm. I decide to go to bed. I know. Lame. I can't even wait 10 minutes.

11:55pm. I open John's bedroom door and was hit by a wave of highly recognizable stench. There was no mistaking this reek. He had thrown up. I momentarily toy with the idea of letting him sleep thru the night and cleaning up in the morning since he's sleeping so peacefully. But then I give my head a shake and call for Steven for help.

I turn the light on and see patches of vomit on his sheet, some on the blankets, his stuffies and finally on him. We lift him out and lay him out and discuss all the options. Then Steven points out the vomit on the wall.

And then the realization hits me. There is vomit all the way down the wall, on the side of the crib, on the side of the mattress and mattress pad, the crib bumper pads.

We move the crib.

Holy shit.

There's vomit stuck on the wall all the way to the floor. It's on the electrical outlet. Thank God for the baby proof wall plugs....I may not have to be electrocuted while cleaning.

And then. And then. The pile of vomit on the carpet and on various things that I store under the crib.

Fuck.

After cleaning John up. John & Steven went to bed in our bed. And I cleaned up. And did a load of laundry. And stayed up until nearly 2:00am.

Happy New Year.

Happy Birthday to Jesus, Darrin and ME!

Playing with the new toys with Darrin.

Earlier in the day, this is Steven opening toys. Ah the joys. Those tiny little security plastic strips. Fricking little pieces.

Happy Birthday to Mommy. Now give me some cake.

Wait, let me help you blow the candle out.

I can do it. Let me try again.

Got it.

And Happy Birthday to Darrin.

Merry Christmas

I have been waiting for Christmas. Waiting to see John open his presents. Waiting to have a little bit of joy. You don't know how much I've been waiting to have joy.

I made Monkey Bread and Overnight Sausage Casserole, both for the first time this year. Monkey Bread, not a big fan. It's okay, nothing to write home about. But the Overnight Sausage Casserole? Awesome. Will be definitely making this dish over and over again.

Breakfast time. I'm not exactly sure what he's doing. Being his normal adorable self. What a poser.

We bought a new tree this year. Prelit. Highly recommend this.
The only problems?

1. This tree is taller than our old one so I didn't have enough garland to reach to top (granted I could have gone to the store and bought more but well, I'm lazy)


2. The lights are only white.


3. The lights don't do anything. I'd like it if they flashed or something.

But all in all, love the new tree. But it does look like if we turned on the ceiling fan, the angel would totally be decapitated.

And all those gifts under the tree? 99% of them are John's.

He totally made a beeline for the biggest gift. Oh, and we wrapped almost all of them in Christmas "Cars" wrapping paper. He caught onto to the concept of unwrapping quite fast. Not that he was fast at unwrapping them but he understood the concept of opening them.

Notice the TINY piece of wrapping paper in his hand. That's how it started. It was a long process.

And don't forget about the Rye-guy. He helped with the presents too.

My sister got John this Lightning McQueen car that moves. You shake the car and it revs the engine and says a catch phrase and then moves. The more you shake the car, the more it revs and moves. John doesn't like it so much. He likes watching it move but not so much the shaking or the reving.

I made everyone wear their hat and/or antlers. Yes, I am one of those people.
Dawna in her hat, John being a future hockey star.

Dad & John opening gifts.

Riley: I can't friggin belive the things they make me do. Help me.

Cindy in her hat. And Christmas jammies.

All those new toys and he's playing in the bag.

Outstanding parenting technique.

It's almost embarrassing to see how much we have. There's so much guilt involved with all the abundance. I'm wondering if it's right to focus so much on the commercialism of Christmas rather than the spirtualism and true meaning of Christmas. I think perhaps, for future birthdays and Christmas we will think about giving back as well.

The Post That I've Been Ignoring

Most of you already know but I do feel the need to explain what's been going on in my life. All year long I've been dreading the one year mark of my mom's death. November 11. The Day My Life Changed Forever. I've been grieving for my mom ever since she had her stroke. I won't lie to you, it's been pretty tough. I've never experienced such all consuming pain and sadness. So many emotions and so many different people trying to help but in many ways, their help was for their own good, not mine. Not my family's. It's difficult enough to overcome the grief within yourself. Even more difficult to manage someone elses. Even more difficult to please someone else while trying to do the best for your own family. Life is difficult.

But I digress.

My dad has Alzheimer's. Had Alzheimers. When my mom had her stroke in September 2008, not only did my world change completely but my dad's world collapsed. Until that moment I don't think any of us were quite aware of how much my mom took care of him. Grounded him. Made him cognizant. When she was so drastically removed from his life, he withered before our eyes. I wasn't involved in his day-to-day care so I by no means think that I know how difficult it was. But I saw from a distance how difficult, draining and frustrating everything was. How it culminated. I can't even imagine how hard it was on a one-to-one basis. Day in and Day out. It is depressing.

But again, I digress.

It was only a matter of time before he had to be moved into full time assisted living. It was inevitable. The only surprise, at least to me, was how long he stayed at home. He moved in April. To a lovely Village that catered to Alzheimer's patients. (read: locked facility) It wasn't institutional. It wasn't like a hospital setting. Rather it was like a home. Although it was a home that you had to have a password to leave, but a home. With caregivers who made homemade meals and looked after the residents.

I knew that he was going to go downhill after mom was gone. His connection was gone. I won't wax poetical that it was a great love story or anything like that. But she took care of him. She took care of all of us.

It was just a matter of time.

In July, he started having difficulty swallowing. We thought perhaps that it was a manifestation of the Alzheimers. But then he started not eating dessert. That was alarming.

Although all along, he always knew who John was. His boy. The grandson. The one who gives joy to everyone.

I'm unsure when the swelling began. Or when the "episodes" began.

My aunt called me on the evening of October 2nd. To let me know that they had taken dad to emergency. We went down the next day to see him in the hospital. It turned out that he was in the same unit that mom was in. I thought I was going to throw up when I found that out. That was a familiar walk down the hall. My heart dropped when we headed toward the room that mom was in. But thankfully it was a different room. He was swollen. He was confused. He was having trouble breathing. He had pneumonia.

We went down for a visit on the following weekend. He looked better. He was less swollen. He was still confused but that was par for the course. It was agonizing.

It was determined that he had a growth on his lung and possibly his throat? Which was contributing to the swelling. And the difficulty in swallowing and breathing. In all likelihood he had cancer. A fast growing tumor.

My dad died.

November 25, 1931 - November 3, 2009

I know most people are questioning my decision not to go down at the end. But you know what? I don't give a flying fuck. Go ahead judge me. But I chose not to go down to watch my unconscious father die. I refused to go down and watch him die. The only thing I regret is not being there for Cindy but I had to choose what was best for me.

I'm very good at blocking out bad things. Or glossing over them. Or insulating myself so I won't get over involved. Selfish, I know but it's more of a protective mechanism than anything else. If I don't think about it then I can wake up the next day. I can't lose myself again like when mom died. I just can't. I don't have it in me anymore. I can't afford to lose that much of myself again.

I spoke at the funeral. I read a poem.

When I'm Gone

When I come to the end of my journey
And I travel my last weary mile.
Just forget if you can that I ever frowned
And remember only the smile.
Forget unkind words I have spoken;
Remember some good I have done.
Forget that I ever had heartache
And remember I've had loads of fun.
Forget that I've stumbled and blundered
And sometimes fell by the way.
Remember I have fought some hard battles
And won, ere the close of the day,
Then forget to grieve for my going,
I would not have you sad for a day,
But in summer just gather some flowers
And remember the place where I lay,
And come in the shade of the evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember only the best.

Nine More Sleeps

Can you believe it?

I am so far behind on my list of things to do that I'm not even sure what I've forgotten to do.

Overheard

So I'm sitting here tonight, trying to get ready for Christmas. I'm making my lists, checking them twice and trying to determine why I'm going to have time to finish everything.

Steven: It'll be the big Four-Oh.
Me: What? When?
Steven: Your birthday. You're going to be forty.
Me: No I'm not. I'm a year younger than you. I was born in '70. You're 40. I'm going to be 39.
Steven: Wha...
Me: How old do you think you are?
Steven: 41
Me: Well there you go. Don't get me a cake with 40 candles this year.