I just don't have the energy to do a post. Or to be funny. Or to be charming. Or witty. Honestly, sometimes I barely have enough energy to get thru the day. Sometimes I thank God for work because then I don't have to feel anything, just do my job. Although at times lately that has definitely been a struggle to do even that. I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to process emotions. I don't want to talk it through. Or hear that you've been thru it too. Or that she's in a better place. What, dead? Yeah, I'm fucking sure that's a better place. If that's all you have to say to me then you know what? Shut up.
I'm angry. Sue me. Seriously though. Who in their right minds wants to hear "she's in a better place." Do you know where a better place would be? At my house, ALIVE PLAYING WITH HER GRANDSON.
And yes, still angry. Very VERY angry. But I'm still putting one foot in front of the other, I'm still carrying on and at the moment I am existing. Out of the blue, I cry. And the tears run down my face. I can cry silently now. You wouldn't even know I'm doing it unless you're watching me. And then suddenly, my heart ACHES. Like it's been ripped apart. There's no real words to describe the pain. But it's there. The hole is there and it's huge. The aching is like nothing I've ever experienced and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. A pain that you cannot fix. An emptiness that you cannot fill. Perhaps it can be mended but it will never be the same again. Oh the crying. I feel badly for the people that catch me when I cry. It's awkward. Trust me, it's awkward on both sides. You don't want to see me cry nor do I want to cry in front of you. Sometimes, hell, most times I can't help it. Okay who am I kidding, I can't control the crying, ever. So there. It could be a random thought that makes me cry. Something I see that reminds me of mom. Something that someone says or how someone looks. The kind words of friends. The kindness of co-workers. Especially the kindess and thoughtfulness of my co-workers and boss. It's unbearable to cry at work, I hate it but I can't help it. I know I make them uncomfortable by crying and I try not to but sometimes it can't be helped.
I'm existing right now. Do you know how I'm surviving? (well, besides crying alot).
This is why I'm surviving.
Because at the end of the day, I realize that I have my family and that life still goes on. Family is important. To nurture and cherish family. And to do anything else would be to dishonour my mother. My sister Dawna said it best when she said "Mom was unconditional love. All that is good in me is from her. Nothing is the same without her. She is such a wonderful soul, I need to be more like her from now on. There has to be some kind of meaning to this time we are given."
And you know what? She's totally right. There has to be some kind of meaning to this time we are given.
