Thanksgiving

Typically when I write cards, I sign from the entire family. All our names. Including Riley. And I draw a little paw print.

These past couple cards have been tough. The card seems incomplete somehow without the Rye guy's name. And it makes me incredibly sad every time. Christmas cards are going to going to freaking kill me. I missed writing the poem last year and I vowed that I would write this year. But now I am dreading sitting down and writing. Will the words flow? Can I put it into words? How can I re-live the pain? My heart breaking all over again.

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this pain but I do realize that I also have a lot to be thankful for.

The good with the bad I suppose.

I need to be thankful that I had such a wonderful amazing fur guy. Not a pet but my baby.

Thankful for a loving mother. For letting me grow, sacrificing everything for us. Even though she was taken far too early.

And even thankful for my father despite my bitterness.

Instead of being angry or sad that we don't have more kids, I need to be thankful for my son. My joy.

Thankful for my husband. Who loves me no matter what. Despite the added weight and often surly attitude, he still thinks I am beautiful.

I need to be thankful for life. My life. Flaws and all, it's the only life I have and it is and will be only what I make it into. I can whine and begrudge. Or I can make a conscious decision to move forward. To no longer waste energy on the negative and things out of my control.

Overheard

John: you pee sitting down or standing up?
Me: sitting down
John: you need to practise. I pee standing up now.

Me: what did you do this afternoon?
Steven: I fell asleep
Me: you took a nap? Both of you?
Steven: no I fell asleep
Me: it's the same thing
Steven: you plan a nap, falling asleep just happens.

Overheard

At Costco.
John: I don't want the beef that make us die. This beef gonna make us die?

Me: no sweetie, it's not. I don't want to but that kind of beef either. This one is safe. Don't worry.

We really need to stop watching the news around John.

And FYI, I bought ground beef.

On The Run



I know, I know, this is old news but I've been meaning to post these pictures.

 

Does it even look like the same man?  It's like he's trying to change his appearance...like he's a fugitive or something.   

 

Hey there mountain man...

 

Different, right?  How fair is it that he looks so young now?

 

So sad...and so cold.

 

Instead of a "thinking" picture, doesn't it look like he's looking at the picture above him? 

Like the Brady Bunch intro!

 

Look who else is in disguise and possibly running from the law.

 

Oh No!  There's on to me.  The Fuzz caught me. :(

Crafts

We do crafts at the house alot.  I like encouraging the creative side.  The imagination.

 

He made these ears in playschool last Easter.

We saw this craft in his magazine and I promised him that one day we would make one.

 

and if I do say so myself, we did an awesome job.

 

Poor Riley.  The stuff we do to him.

The Bug Hunter

Ladybugs BEWARE.

 

John will hunt you down, capture you and then NEVER let you go. 

 

Poor gals.

 

 John caught 3 ladybugs and gave them grass and water...and then let them sit in the container.

 

Sadly, two of them died.  Miraculously there was one survivor.  Steven made him let the last one free.

 

John:  (crying) Why?????

Steven: She probably has a family that misses her.

John: I will catch them too!

 

 

Different Anniversary

I'm glad John started school today. Instead of dwelling on the fact that 4 years ago today mom had her stroke, I am choosing to live life and rejoice that Sept 12 is the first day of Kindergarten.

I can honestly say that I am happy. I can honestly admit that mom's stroke wasn't on my mind all day. I kind of actually forgot the date. It's a nice kind of feeling.

I was concentrating on making the best memories for John that the bad memories sort of slipped away.

I'm not going to lie, it's a struggle sometimes still but it no longer rules my life.

More posting about school later!

Happy Anniversary

Nothing says love like drinking moonshine in the backyard with your husband.

Classy, no?

So Pathetic

John: me & the ball are playing hide and seek
Steven: who's winning?
John: the ball

Thank God we have play dates arranged for the next week.

Yea for apps!

Finally found a blogger app. Hopefully this means more posts.

Happy Birthday

Alright, I know slacker.  I completely blew off the month of June and will you look at that, July is almost over.  I can't even say it's because I have a life, because we all know that I don't.  I can't even make the effort to pretend that I have this fabulous, exciting, busy life because phew, just typing that sentence kind of made me tired.

Bottom line?  My iPad.  I don't post too much anymore because I have an iPad and I haven't had time to find an app that's compatible with blogspot.  I'm not sure why but in a nutshell, there it is.  I just can't be bothered with turning my laptop on, waiting for everything to load, plug in my adapter, find a comfortable spot blah, blah, blah.  But really you get the point, right? 

This will either be a super long post or a brief overview, I guess it depends on how many distractions I have.

So what's happened since the middle of May?  Honestly?  I'm not sure.  Here's the biggest one.

John's birthday!

And because ultimately, I am a lazy person, we only had one party for his little friends from school. 

The birthday boy and mom.

(btw, those are washclothes on his head)

Look who flew in to surprise us!

(this will potentially lead to the next big post!)

Auntie 2 & John. 

BUT this is the slide that broke my ass in April. 

Don't laugh, it hurt for a couple months.

Happy Birthday to you!

I made Dawna corral the kids at gift opening.  HAHAHAHA!

John, getting angry because everyone was opening the present.  Look at Dawna trying to placate the kids.

I probably shouldn't have made her sit with the kids, so unfair of me, no?

Still a bit angry.

So all in all, his party was a big success.  There were 10 kids from school, some parents, Dawna, Steven, me and the birthday boy.  I'm so glad we had the party at the playland because that meant that I didn't have to worry about all the shit in my house.

The after-party.

Ed, Pat and Oliver came over afterward and we had burgers, drinks and a fire.  Oh and we played with the toys!

Mother's Day

Gah.

I'm just not sure about Mother's Day.  Such conflicting emotions still.

I believe in an afterlife because it makes me feel better.  It gives me hope.  I like to think that mom is ever present and watching over me.

Awhile ago I started having mixed emotions over wearing my cross.  The cross that holds mom's ashes.  It's not that I don't want her near my heart any longer but rather how long should I mourn so ...so... well mourn.  How long exactly?  Is it awful to not want to mourn anymore?  Is it awful that I still feel like I'm in mourning?  Is it not awful?  Does it matter to anyone except me?  Does anyone really care?  All these things were running through my head.  I've been toying with the idea that I should stop wearing my cross and tuck it away somewhere safe.  Because it has come to represent all that is sad in my life.  A period in my life that if I stop and think back, I am automatically whisked back to the back room, looking at urns and crosses and bewildered and confused.  I can feel my heart breaking in a million pieces.  I can feel part of my heart gone.  Forever.  I thought that this heartache would ease in time and it has but not how I thought.  I mean, the day-to-day pain is gone but ever present, just lurking at the back, is the pain....the ache.  It's an indescribable pain.  It is like no other.  I'm not saying that it pops up all the time and that I'm constantly sad and depressed.  But the heartache is still there and I thought it would hurt less.

I can still think "what if" and tears come to my eyes.  I remember fun and stupid times, while it makes me chuckle it's bittersweet humour.

So that was my decision.  Was this cross literally my cross to  bear?  Was it weighing me down?  Was it holding me back?  Should I consider removing the cross and lighten my burden?  Was I horrible for thinking this?  Was I trying to forget mom?  Was I .. was I not right?  Should I feel bad?

Whirling around in my brain.  What to do?

And then one morning after my shower, I went back in the bedroom to put my cross back on and get dressed before going downstairs to do my hair.  I do the same thing every morning.  I pick up the necklace, I ensure that the cross is facing the correct way, I run the chain through my fingers to try and remove an potential twists or knots.  So I put on the necklace, fasten the clasp and I gently move the clasp to ensure that it is clasped properly.

Off I go to do my hair.I feel something slide down my neck.  I'm in the downstairs bathroom.

My hand automatically flys to my neck to fiddle with the cross.

OH MY GOD IT'S GONE.

I'm frantic.  I search for my cross.  I feel like yelling "Mom, Where are you?"

I finally find my cross and you know what?  The chain is broken.  Right beside the clasp.  My sterling silver chain that I bought to replace the cheap faulty chain that came with the cross.

I firmly believe mom is here telling me to move on.  Don't be stupid.  Why are you crying about me?  Be happy.  I don't want to be the one that is making you sad. 

So for now, at least, I am going to stop wearing the cross.  I don't even know if I'm going to get it fixed right now.  It just feels like a powerful message.

Happy Mother's Day.  I love you and  I'm going to be fine.

But man, I just wish I could talk to her one more time.

Playschool

I wanted to mention that I think John's playschool is awesome.  Sure registration was a nightmare but I hear that after all the issues last year, they've changed some features for this year.

Anyway, one of the major reasons that I picked this one was because they had access to a pool, a library, a large play area, a jungle gym and a gymnasium.  The class size was 20 kids and 2 teachers.  And if they have a field trip then they need to have a certain number of parent volunteers otherwise the trip is cancelled.

So far this year they've gone swimming three times, had nature walks, they alternate between the jungle gym and the gymnasium, there's craft time every day and they believe in learning through play.  They are going to a pet store tomorrow and at the beginning of next month they are going bowling.

He's been invited to birthday parties and playdates.

Frankly, he's thriving.

My regret?  That he wasn't able to attend last year because he wasn't fully potty trained.  And that I failed to enroll him the year prior to that because I was under the misguided belief that we'd be moving from the area and we wouldn't want to take him across the city to playschool.  I definitely had my head up my ass on that one.  Because 3 years later and we're still in this house.

I want so much for John to have everything that I didn't have.  And I want him to have experiences.  I want him to have friends.  I want him to learn how to be a friend.  I want him to be a good person.

A couple nights ago he was telling me about a boy in his class.  A boy, who at the beginning of the year was his BEST FRIEND.  A boy who always played with John.  A boy we'll call Bob. 

So John tells me that: "Bob no want to be my friend.  And I don't know why".

and as he's telling me this John's face is scrunching up and his nose and forehead are all wrinkled.\

Did you hear that?  That was the sound of my heart breaking.

He doesn't want to be John's friend.  All I can think is Why?  Why wouldn't everyone want to be John's friend?  I wondered if it was just Bob.  I wondered if my baby is playing by himself at playschool.  I wanted to hug him tight and cry.

And yes, I am completely over reacting.  I realize that.

Because after talking further....

John: "Bob no very nice."

John: "I play with ____ and ____ and _____"

John: "and I play with ____ and ____"

John: "_____ and ____.  they my girlfriends.  both of them"

So yes, my son is fine.  I however may not survive.

Valentine's Day

They made cookies at school.

And a valentine for mom.  Aww....

We made cards at home for him to take to school.  It was the family assembly line again. 

And thank goodness for Michael's.  They always mark down the seasonal craft stuff way before the holiday ends.  Love it.

I was covered in different shades of glitter and felt pen but we had fun.

The Birds

We love coming here.  We are at one with nature. 

but shhhh..... we also feed the birds.  I know that's a very big NO-NO!  Because it clearly states this on the sign at the gate.

But then again, it also says "No Dogs" and I'm sure I've seen dogs there before.  So we're not the only ones that blatantly flout the laws....err I mean rules.

Since we bought new binoculars, John now his very own pair of noculars.

Totally should have had both of them pose with the binoculars.

We ARE the bird whisperer family.
But word to the wise, you start feeding the birds then the birds will also follow you.  A bit creepy.

We're so easily entertained.

THE Chair

You know, we really need to stop asking John his opinion on stuff.  Like his bed or chair...

so when we bought our new chairs, John also got a new chair.  Although, really how adorable is this chair?

Just his size.

A boy and his monkey.

Next thing you know, we'll be buying him his own TV.  God Forbid!

Pure Steven.

New Year's Eve

I know, I know I'm only 3 months behind...wait almost 4 months.  Oops.  Better late than never?  No, you don't agree?  Well tough.

I was pretty excited to buy the sparkling wine for our New Year's Eve, I thought John would be excited by the treat.

I think the anticipation is the best part.

I mean, look at it.  Great color.  Interesting bottle.

Yeah, didn't go quite as well as I had thought.

Not well at all.

Hilarious, yes.  Great, no.

I think the bubbles freaked  him out.

And finally here's the wrap up from last year.

My BS List from 2011: 

I will start an exercise regimen And holy shit, I actually did this!  But sadly, around August I stopped. :(

I will lose weight. I will lose 15 pounds. ( I know I need to lose more but c'mon if I was going to be actual, then that would make me cry and if I was going to be realistic, then I would have said I will lose 2 pounds) Again, holy shit, I lost more than 15 pounds....but then I gained it all back :((( 

I will be a nicer person. I will think before I speak I'm not sure if I was any nicer but I did try my best.  I really did try to put myself in the other person's shoes.  I think I also got shit on alot for not standing up for myself.  I let myself get walked on a bit.

I will continue to read non-fiction I am really enjoying this one 

I will continue to learn new things I've taken some new software classes for work and really enjoyed these new skills 

I will be less judgemental. I will remember that things aren't always how they seem.  I think this also falls under the be nicer one.  I do try my best.  I'm sure that others may disagree but I have really tried to be nicer 

I will clean the pool table. (please GOD help me with this one)  Yeah, this didn't happen at all.  If anything there's more shit on the table 

I will increase the savings account by 1/4 What I didn't take into account was that we'd be using one of the savings account when we went on vacation so I guess technically this one was a massive failure.  But realistically it was a success since one of the savings account was for the vacation anyway! 

I will create a budget  I really need to do this 

I will try one creative thing/project this year I'm not sure if it counts but I did do alot of ads at work and I used the new software.  Very exciting. 

I will style my hair at least 4 times this year I have no idea if I did this.  Most likely not but I did chop off my hair at the end of the year so I am forced to do a bit more with my hair now.

I will start writing again  I have started paper journalling again.  Oh, and did I mention that I helped write two articles for work?  Well actually one in 2011 and one in 2012.  Both articles have been published in an industry magazine.

My BS list for 2012:

I will organize my photos

I will accelerate the pace of home ownership

I will watch less television

i will purge my clothing

i will do something with the downstairs bathroom.  Reno? 

And as the continuation from last year:

I will start an exercise regime

i will lose weight.  I will lose 15 pounds.

I will run 10 km by the end of the year.

I will continue to read non-fiction.

I will read less fiction.

I will continue to learn and challenge myself mentally.

I will increase the savings account by 1/4.

I will create a budget.

I will try one creative/project this year.

The Clubhouse

Remember a couple years ago when we bought that huge tent and set it up in the living room?  Yeh, this winter it's boxes.

Our new recliners came in these gigantic boxes.  We both took one look at the boxes and said, "don't throw those out yet".  "Let's make a clubhouse!"

So I came home from work at the beginning of January and there it was, smack-dab in the middle of my living room.  And by middle, I mean, you had to sit at a certain angle otherwise the remote control wouldn't work on the cable box!

Can you see the writing?  John's Clubhouse.

The clubhouse was big enough that all 4 of us could fit inside.

Man, it was hot in there too.

Oh yeah, can you see behind me that I'm sitting on the Elmo couch?

That's right, a furnished clubhouse!  Nothing but the best for us.

And there's a "sun-roof"!  Thank God for ventilation!

Of course, more windows.  We also decorated the outside.  Nothing like the style of a four-year old.

John tried to sleep in the clubhouse one night.  But it was too hot and he was too excited to sleep so eventually he was banished up to his bedroom.

Riley, oddly enough he liked the clubhouse. Probably because it was warm and noone bothered him.

The clubhouse lasted about 3 weeks in the house.  

Then sadly, we had to evict the tenants and tear down the structure.  Poor John.  Poor Riley.

I'm sure in a couple of months something else will take over our house.