Gah.
I'm just not sure about Mother's Day. Such conflicting emotions still.
I believe in an afterlife because it makes me feel better. It gives me hope. I like to think that mom is ever present and watching over me.
Awhile ago I started having mixed emotions over wearing my cross. The cross that holds mom's ashes. It's not that I don't want her near my heart any longer but rather how long should I mourn so ...so... well mourn. How long exactly? Is it awful to not want to mourn anymore? Is it awful that I still feel like I'm in mourning? Is it not awful? Does it matter to anyone except me? Does anyone really care? All these things were running through my head. I've been toying with the idea that I should stop wearing my cross and tuck it away somewhere safe. Because it has come to represent all that is sad in my life. A period in my life that if I stop and think back, I am automatically whisked back to the back room, looking at urns and crosses and bewildered and confused. I can feel my heart breaking in a million pieces. I can feel part of my heart gone. Forever. I thought that this heartache would ease in time and it has but not how I thought. I mean, the day-to-day pain is gone but ever present, just lurking at the back, is the pain....the ache. It's an indescribable pain. It is like no other. I'm not saying that it pops up all the time and that I'm constantly sad and depressed. But the heartache is still there and I thought it would hurt less.
I can still think "what if" and tears come to my eyes. I remember fun and stupid times, while it makes me chuckle it's bittersweet humour.
So that was my decision. Was this cross literally my cross to bear? Was it weighing me down? Was it holding me back? Should I consider removing the cross and lighten my burden? Was I horrible for thinking this? Was I trying to forget mom? Was I .. was I not right? Should I feel bad?
Whirling around in my brain. What to do?
And then one morning after my shower, I went back in the bedroom to put my cross back on and get dressed before going downstairs to do my hair. I do the same thing every morning. I pick up the necklace, I ensure that the cross is facing the correct way, I run the chain through my fingers to try and remove an potential twists or knots. So I put on the necklace, fasten the clasp and I gently move the clasp to ensure that it is clasped properly.
Off I go to do my hair.I feel something slide down my neck. I'm in the downstairs bathroom.
My hand automatically flys to my neck to fiddle with the cross.
OH MY GOD IT'S GONE.
I'm frantic. I search for my cross. I feel like yelling "Mom, Where are you?"
I finally find my cross and you know what? The chain is broken. Right beside the clasp. My sterling silver chain that I bought to replace the cheap faulty chain that came with the cross.
I firmly believe mom is here telling me to move on. Don't be stupid. Why are you crying about me? Be happy. I don't want to be the one that is making you sad.
So for now, at least, I am going to stop wearing the cross. I don't even know if I'm going to get it fixed right now. It just feels like a powerful message.
Happy Mother's Day. I love you and I'm going to be fine.
But man, I just wish I could talk to her one more time.
