A Year In Review

This past year, I found two quotes that struck a chord with me. It fairly sums up how I've been feeling.

A person's true character is revealed by what he does when no-one is watching.

I believe that death is a beautiful part of life.

Do you know what? This past year was a ride. I mean, I was still recovering from the blows of 2008 AND 2009 so in all honestly I was fucked up at the beginning of this year. I thought I was okay. I thought that because I was dealing with my emotions and I was able to step back and rationally examine my feelings, I thought I was doing okay.

Hell no. I was far, far from okay. I was probably as far away from okay as possible. And then I found that I had to make myself a priority. I struggled through the beginning of the year and then was saved with grief counseling. I hit bottom at therapy and was amazed at the compassion and understanding and the bonding of complete strangers.

The spring was an awakening for me. For our family. Steven & I reconnected are I think we are stronger than ever. I try and cherish my time with John. I try and remember that this one day, this one minute, this one second will never repeat. I want to create memories for him.

We had a great spring, summer and fall. We strengthened our small family. We created memories for both John and Riley.

My Top Ten list for 2010, in no particular order:

1. Steven. Who despite the fact that I gained so much weight this year, still tells me that I am beautiful and that he loves me beyond belief.


2. John. Who couldn't hear that muppet voice and not have your heart melt.


3. Riley. My old, old dog. I love him. Thinking that he's 13 years old makes me very sad.


4. The house. We have an amazing mortgage. I am so glad that our mortgage is so low that it enables us to live our lifestyle.


5. The help that I received from Grief Counselling. I can't say enough about how much that therapy helped me.


6. No daycare. Please, this isn't a dig at daycares or dayhomes. I'm just thankful that we are in a position that enables one of us to stay at home with John. I don't have anything against daycare. What I have a problem with is separation anxiety. Not John but myself. For goodness sake, we never could put Riley in a kennel, do you honestly think we'd be okay with putting John in daycare?


7. My job. I have a wonderful job. A great job that pays me well, gives me the opportunity to try my hand at different projects. Co-workers who are patient, fun, intelligent and constantly challenging me to step outside my comfort zone. And the understanding of a great boss who allows me, no encourages me to have a decent work/life balance.


8. My sisters. Who no matter what, will always stand by me.


9. The Winter Gods. I thank you for protecting our T-intersection this winter. Can you believe that not one vehicle has plowed onto our property? (although, a small voice is whispering "you fool. you've jinxed it now. get ready for the next snowfall because you've screwed yourself now")


10. My health. Somehow it sounds stupid to have health on my list. I mean, I'm sure I'm not at my healthiest but I'm alive. I'm able to walk. I'm breathing on my own. So there. I'm thankful for being alive.
    

My BS List for 2010:

• I will lose weight Hahahahaha! I'm just glad that I didn't gain too much.
  
• I will continue reading non-fiction Phew. One BS that I stuck with and I really enjoy reading non-fiction.
  
• I will make a budget Again. Hahahaha. Although, I did make a tidy savings account for both summer vacation and future new vehicle
  
• I will stick to the budget Nope. But since we are super boring people, we didn't actually over spend
  
• I will continue to be tidier Really, why do I even bother? I'm a messy person. I create mess, I bring mess with me. I wallow in my mess
  
• I will try one new thing this year I did a couple new things this year, nothing exciting but as I get older, I have less fear of what others think of me
  
• I will put my family first Do you know what I actually accomplished this year? I'm pretty sure I started to put myself first. And while I felt guilty, it was necessary

My BS List for 2011

• I will start an exercise regimen
  
• I will lose weight. I will lose 15 pounds. ( I know I need to lose more but c'mon if I was going to be actual, then that would make me cry and if I was going to be realistic, then I would have said I will lose 2 pounds)
  
• I will be a nicer person. I will think before I speak.
  
• I will continue to read non-fiction.
  
• I will continue to learn new things.
  
• I will be less judgemental. I will remember that things aren't always how they seem.
  
• I will clean the pool table. (please GOD help me with this one)
  
• I will increase the savings account by 1/4.
  
• I will create a budget
  
• I will try one creative thing/project this year
  
• I will style my hair at least 4 times this year
• I will start writing again
  

My only regret this year? I only went to my hometown once this past year. I don't know how I feel about returning. I don't know if I'm strong enough. I'm not sure if I am able to stand up to the whirling emotions. I'd like to say that I'm going to return this year but I'm just not sure. I'll be there in December for a much anticipated wedding but other than that, I have no concrete plans. I really should go back. I need to think this one over.

Merry Christmas!

I need to start this poem, I need to sit down and write

The cards all need to be finished and mailed out tonight

I waited so long, I am right at the wire

All these task on my to-do list. I am getting so tired

Overall, this past year has not been all that bad

I’ve been working my way through all that was sad

The loss and the grief, my recovery has been okay

I guess right now, that is all I am going to say

Steven’s still home with John, he’s a great stay at home dad

Every night John asks if “I go work in morning” and that makes me sad

I’m still working at xxxxxx; they treat us all really well

Our set up works for us, it’s good, John is thriving I can tell

John has been to see the Roughnecks and also the Flames

We have been fortunate to get tickets to a couple of games

It’s not all fun and games in our house, dad has taught the ABC’s

And counting and manners, he knows thank you and please

For the past couple years, we’ve talked about camping and tenting

We’ve looked into trailers and RV’s, the facts on buying or renting

Steven has wanted to sit by a fire with beer

and show John & Riley some wildlife like deer

We rented a cabin for a long weekend in May

The peace & quiet was a theme for our stay

And then this past summer, we rented a house in Canmore

Three decks and a hot tub, it was all you could ask for

Cindy, Dawna and Whitey joined us four for a week

It was nice for all of us to be together and speak

Later in summer, Steven & I went to New York

I had some meeting with xxxxx but it was not all work

The theatre, the subway, Times Square and the shops

The Statue, Ellis Island, Chinatown…it was five days non-stop.

It has been a whole year since my dad passed away

And for my mom it has been two years, 1 week and a day

At times, it just seems like a lifetime has gone by

Yet at other times it feels like a blink of an eye

These past couple of years have taught me a lot

All the good things in your life just cannot be bought

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree

I love my pre-lit Christmas tree. Love Love LOVE IT. I would love it more if the lights were colored and flashed. But my tree is lovely. Originally I was going to set up on the first weekend in December but due to my Christmas party and Russ' birthday party, that weekend was booked solid. So, lo we set up on the second weekend. And frankly, it works. It's up for about 3 weeks and I think that's a good time. Not too long and not too short.

As always, John is so helpful. Thankfully we have a lot of non-breakable ornaments that are John-safe. All these ornaments are on the lower part of the tree. If you ever see the tree, you'll also notice that many of them are on the same branch as well! It's all good. John is helping, he's not touching the breakables and he's happy. That's all that counts.

Dad helped with the "up high" ones. "Up high, daddy."

It took much longer than necessary to set-up and decorate the tree. John had to examine the decorations.

Huh. It is tilting to one side. I didn't think it was that noticeable.
Obviously, my head is tilted.

Poor Riley.

Riley: Just think happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.

"Other side, daddy" "Go up there"

Ho Ho Ho.

Charlie Brown: I guess you were right, Linus. I shouldn't have picked this little tree. Everything I do turns into a disaster. I guess I really don't know what Christmas is all about.

[shouting in desperation]

Charlie Brown: Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?
Linus Van Pelt: Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about.
[moves toward the center of the stage]
Linus Van Pelt: Lights, please.
[a spotlight shines on Linus]
Linus Van Pelt: "And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'"
[Linus picks up his blanket and walks back towards Charlie Brown]
Linus Van Pelt: That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

Merry Christmas!
I really like this picture.
I really like my husband, I think I'll keep him.

Amazing Dog

You know how big my dog is, right?

Do you know how much he likes laying on blankets and pillows?

See?

We really should have bought Riley his own little couch.
His entire body is on the couch.

How does he do it? He should be in Cirque de Soleil.

And he's sleeping so peacefully.

I think it's so cute how he always covers his nose with his tail.

It's amazing how small Riley can make himself.

You Know You're a Parent

You know you're a parent when you see this headline:

Franklin reportedly has cancer

And you automatically think "I wonder how they're going to explain to kids that Franklin has cancer. Can Turtles get cancer? Hmm, that's kind of a serious topic for toddlers."

Because I thought this Franklin has cancer when in fact, Aretha Franklin has cancer.

Christmas Party

I amazed my co-workers at my Christmas party on the weekend. I wore a dress. I really high heels. I curled my hair. I wore make-up!

But sadly, after the amazement, I have come to the conclusion that I obviously look like a troll every other day for this transformation to be so astounding.

I think we clean up quite nicely.

The obligatory Sears catalog pose.

The beginning of the night.

The end of the night. Not too bad. Not drooling or passed out anywhere.

I'm thinking that maybe I should step up on my day-to-day appearance.

The best part? We had an overnight babysitter. Best friends ever! Best gift ever!

The Trip

A couple months ago I booked time off from work. November 11th. A Thursday. So then I thought that I would take off Friday as well.

An extra long weekend. A treat. I would spend the extra time with John.

And then life overwhelmed me.

I thought maybe we could all take a weekend getaway. A little family time.

And then work stressed me.

I thought maybe we could do something special as a family.

And then the realization that November was killing me.

So Steven suggested that I go away by myself. To treat myself to some "me" time.

I thought of three places where I wanted to go:

Victoria, to visit my friend Alaysha

Trail, to visit my sister-in-law Barb
Minneapolis, to visit my sister Dawna

I sucked it up and paid for an airline ticket and emailed Dawna.

At the airport

On the way to her condo

The view from her balcony

She lives in a great neighborhood. She had to go back to work for the afternoon so I walked around and poked around the shops and grabbed some lunch. There's a bookstore that I would kill to have in my city. There's a tiny door cut into the regular door so kids can open/shut it. And there's chickens. Yes, chickens. Walking around. Loose. CHICKENS. John would have loved it.

Her Royal Highness, Abbott

This is where the geese go in the winter. Dumb asses. You'd think they would fly somewhere warm.

Other people ask to go to The Mall of America. Or museums. Or even the place where Mary Tyler Moore threw her hat in the air.

But no. I wanted to go to Victoria's Secret, Target and White Castle.

I'm so white trash. Or perhaps in my case, yellow trash.

Would I go there again? Probably not.

And then, holy mother of God, it snowed. I cursed. I mean, c'mon. I actually prepared for the trip, I checked the weather network for the long term forecast. I packed a friggin rain jacket because they forecast RAIN. NOT SNOW. The bus is sucked right up on that power pole. But later in the day we got motivated and went to Psycho Suzi's. The only other thing that I wanted to do. I saw it featured on the TV show Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. But wow, the snow was incredible. I didn't realize how much it had actually snowed. Check it out! The snow was so wet & heavy that there were trees down everywhere. Yipee!

For the record, only two drinks were mine. But truth be told, at the end of the afternoon I did have 4 drinks total.

I'm so glad I was able to get away. It was a wonderful stress reliever. It was awesome to visit Dawna and see her condo. I missed John & Steven but I really needed the mini-vacation. Next time the whole family will go.

The November Blues

November will forever be a difficult month for me.

The Gathering

You can shed tears that I have gone,

or you can smile because I have lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that I'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all I have left.

Your heart can by empty, because you can't see me,

or you can be full of the love we shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember me and only that I've gone,

or you can cherish my memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,

or you can do what I'd want:

Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Author Unknown

This poem was read when I attended group therapy. The gal that read this had also lost her mother and was struggling with unanswered questions, the hopelessness and the utter heartbreak.

I still have highs and lows. Thankfully the highs are becoming more frequent but the blues are still there. I doubt if they will ever go away completely.

I still feel like I am that woman that lost both her parents within a year of each other.
Sometimes I still feel like I am adrift in the world.
Like the world is moving forward without me.
Like I am constantly struggling to keep up with life.
Like everyone has forgotten me.

Argh - What? It's Not Pirate Day?

Man, every day should be talk like a pirate day.

Sadly, this was just a normal Sunday night for us.

Ya scurvy dog.

Contrary to what Steven may say....the treasure is NOT in my booty.

Elmo

So awhile back I came home from work and John's nose was bright red. Like he had, oh I don't know, colored his nose or something.

Steven couldn't think of why his nose was red. Why oh why.

And then, "oh yeah". Earlier in the day apparently John had decided to crawl around the floor. Crawl around with his nose.

The next day John's nose was a scab.

See?

My nose.

My poor, poor nose.
But Elmo's nose is okay.

Play Elmo Hands Mama. Elmo Hands.

Can you see how cute I am?
I know, my nose is all scab-y.
But see how cute I am?

I'm dancing like Elmo showed me.
Elmo Hands. (a little like Jazz Hands for the toddler-set)

10x better dance moves than his daddy.

Look how old he looks.
My baby.

Say Cheese.