The Post That I've Been Ignoring

Most of you already know but I do feel the need to explain what's been going on in my life. All year long I've been dreading the one year mark of my mom's death. November 11. The Day My Life Changed Forever. I've been grieving for my mom ever since she had her stroke. I won't lie to you, it's been pretty tough. I've never experienced such all consuming pain and sadness. So many emotions and so many different people trying to help but in many ways, their help was for their own good, not mine. Not my family's. It's difficult enough to overcome the grief within yourself. Even more difficult to manage someone elses. Even more difficult to please someone else while trying to do the best for your own family. Life is difficult.

But I digress.

My dad has Alzheimer's. Had Alzheimers. When my mom had her stroke in September 2008, not only did my world change completely but my dad's world collapsed. Until that moment I don't think any of us were quite aware of how much my mom took care of him. Grounded him. Made him cognizant. When she was so drastically removed from his life, he withered before our eyes. I wasn't involved in his day-to-day care so I by no means think that I know how difficult it was. But I saw from a distance how difficult, draining and frustrating everything was. How it culminated. I can't even imagine how hard it was on a one-to-one basis. Day in and Day out. It is depressing.

But again, I digress.

It was only a matter of time before he had to be moved into full time assisted living. It was inevitable. The only surprise, at least to me, was how long he stayed at home. He moved in April. To a lovely Village that catered to Alzheimer's patients. (read: locked facility) It wasn't institutional. It wasn't like a hospital setting. Rather it was like a home. Although it was a home that you had to have a password to leave, but a home. With caregivers who made homemade meals and looked after the residents.

I knew that he was going to go downhill after mom was gone. His connection was gone. I won't wax poetical that it was a great love story or anything like that. But she took care of him. She took care of all of us.

It was just a matter of time.

In July, he started having difficulty swallowing. We thought perhaps that it was a manifestation of the Alzheimers. But then he started not eating dessert. That was alarming.

Although all along, he always knew who John was. His boy. The grandson. The one who gives joy to everyone.

I'm unsure when the swelling began. Or when the "episodes" began.

My aunt called me on the evening of October 2nd. To let me know that they had taken dad to emergency. We went down the next day to see him in the hospital. It turned out that he was in the same unit that mom was in. I thought I was going to throw up when I found that out. That was a familiar walk down the hall. My heart dropped when we headed toward the room that mom was in. But thankfully it was a different room. He was swollen. He was confused. He was having trouble breathing. He had pneumonia.

We went down for a visit on the following weekend. He looked better. He was less swollen. He was still confused but that was par for the course. It was agonizing.

It was determined that he had a growth on his lung and possibly his throat? Which was contributing to the swelling. And the difficulty in swallowing and breathing. In all likelihood he had cancer. A fast growing tumor.

My dad died.

November 25, 1931 - November 3, 2009

I know most people are questioning my decision not to go down at the end. But you know what? I don't give a flying fuck. Go ahead judge me. But I chose not to go down to watch my unconscious father die. I refused to go down and watch him die. The only thing I regret is not being there for Cindy but I had to choose what was best for me.

I'm very good at blocking out bad things. Or glossing over them. Or insulating myself so I won't get over involved. Selfish, I know but it's more of a protective mechanism than anything else. If I don't think about it then I can wake up the next day. I can't lose myself again like when mom died. I just can't. I don't have it in me anymore. I can't afford to lose that much of myself again.

I spoke at the funeral. I read a poem.

When I'm Gone

When I come to the end of my journey
And I travel my last weary mile.
Just forget if you can that I ever frowned
And remember only the smile.
Forget unkind words I have spoken;
Remember some good I have done.
Forget that I ever had heartache
And remember I've had loads of fun.
Forget that I've stumbled and blundered
And sometimes fell by the way.
Remember I have fought some hard battles
And won, ere the close of the day,
Then forget to grieve for my going,
I would not have you sad for a day,
But in summer just gather some flowers
And remember the place where I lay,
And come in the shade of the evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember only the best.