I Remember

It's a double edged sword, really.

On one hand it is Remembrance Day and all around us are reminders to commemorate those that we have lost. Those that bravely gave their lives for us. Those that fought for our freedom.

On the other hand, it is also the day that mom died. A constant loss. A constant reminder of the significance of this day.

It is all around me. Remember those that died for you. Remember the selfless act to fight for the very life that I have.

Remember. Remember. Remember.

That's really all I do. I remember. I remember what was once there. I remember what it used to be like. I remember all the small stupid stuff. I remember feeling the mothers love beyond comprehension. Without question. Without judgment. With warmth and with pride.

I remember and I miss it. I miss all the what if's and wouldn't she have loved this? All the missed memories and all the never had moments.

I'm caught up in the memory so deep that sometimes it catches me off guard that it was only a memory not in the moment.

I grieve for the life that should have been.

I'm selfish. I grieve for me and what could have been.