A Year In Review

This past year, I found two quotes that struck a chord with me. It fairly sums up how I've been feeling.

A person's true character is revealed by what he does when no-one is watching.

I believe that death is a beautiful part of life.

Do you know what? This past year was a ride. I mean, I was still recovering from the blows of 2008 AND 2009 so in all honestly I was fucked up at the beginning of this year. I thought I was okay. I thought that because I was dealing with my emotions and I was able to step back and rationally examine my feelings, I thought I was doing okay.

Hell no. I was far, far from okay. I was probably as far away from okay as possible. And then I found that I had to make myself a priority. I struggled through the beginning of the year and then was saved with grief counseling. I hit bottom at therapy and was amazed at the compassion and understanding and the bonding of complete strangers.

The spring was an awakening for me. For our family. Steven & I reconnected are I think we are stronger than ever. I try and cherish my time with John. I try and remember that this one day, this one minute, this one second will never repeat. I want to create memories for him.

We had a great spring, summer and fall. We strengthened our small family. We created memories for both John and Riley.

My Top Ten list for 2010, in no particular order:

1. Steven. Who despite the fact that I gained so much weight this year, still tells me that I am beautiful and that he loves me beyond belief.


2. John. Who couldn't hear that muppet voice and not have your heart melt.


3. Riley. My old, old dog. I love him. Thinking that he's 13 years old makes me very sad.


4. The house. We have an amazing mortgage. I am so glad that our mortgage is so low that it enables us to live our lifestyle.


5. The help that I received from Grief Counselling. I can't say enough about how much that therapy helped me.


6. No daycare. Please, this isn't a dig at daycares or dayhomes. I'm just thankful that we are in a position that enables one of us to stay at home with John. I don't have anything against daycare. What I have a problem with is separation anxiety. Not John but myself. For goodness sake, we never could put Riley in a kennel, do you honestly think we'd be okay with putting John in daycare?


7. My job. I have a wonderful job. A great job that pays me well, gives me the opportunity to try my hand at different projects. Co-workers who are patient, fun, intelligent and constantly challenging me to step outside my comfort zone. And the understanding of a great boss who allows me, no encourages me to have a decent work/life balance.


8. My sisters. Who no matter what, will always stand by me.


9. The Winter Gods. I thank you for protecting our T-intersection this winter. Can you believe that not one vehicle has plowed onto our property? (although, a small voice is whispering "you fool. you've jinxed it now. get ready for the next snowfall because you've screwed yourself now")


10. My health. Somehow it sounds stupid to have health on my list. I mean, I'm sure I'm not at my healthiest but I'm alive. I'm able to walk. I'm breathing on my own. So there. I'm thankful for being alive.
    

My BS List for 2010:

• I will lose weight Hahahahaha! I'm just glad that I didn't gain too much.
  
• I will continue reading non-fiction Phew. One BS that I stuck with and I really enjoy reading non-fiction.
  
• I will make a budget Again. Hahahaha. Although, I did make a tidy savings account for both summer vacation and future new vehicle
  
• I will stick to the budget Nope. But since we are super boring people, we didn't actually over spend
  
• I will continue to be tidier Really, why do I even bother? I'm a messy person. I create mess, I bring mess with me. I wallow in my mess
  
• I will try one new thing this year I did a couple new things this year, nothing exciting but as I get older, I have less fear of what others think of me
  
• I will put my family first Do you know what I actually accomplished this year? I'm pretty sure I started to put myself first. And while I felt guilty, it was necessary

My BS List for 2011

• I will start an exercise regimen
  
• I will lose weight. I will lose 15 pounds. ( I know I need to lose more but c'mon if I was going to be actual, then that would make me cry and if I was going to be realistic, then I would have said I will lose 2 pounds)
  
• I will be a nicer person. I will think before I speak.
  
• I will continue to read non-fiction.
  
• I will continue to learn new things.
  
• I will be less judgemental. I will remember that things aren't always how they seem.
  
• I will clean the pool table. (please GOD help me with this one)
  
• I will increase the savings account by 1/4.
  
• I will create a budget
  
• I will try one creative thing/project this year
  
• I will style my hair at least 4 times this year
• I will start writing again
  

My only regret this year? I only went to my hometown once this past year. I don't know how I feel about returning. I don't know if I'm strong enough. I'm not sure if I am able to stand up to the whirling emotions. I'd like to say that I'm going to return this year but I'm just not sure. I'll be there in December for a much anticipated wedding but other than that, I have no concrete plans. I really should go back. I need to think this one over.