Thanksgiving

1. the act of giving thanks; grateful acknowledgment of benefits or favors, esp. to God.
2. an expression of thanks, esp. to God.
3. a public celebration in acknowledgment of divine favor or kindness.
4. a day set apart for giving thanks to God.

It's both easy and difficult to know what to be thankful for this year. I am thankful that my mother is still with us yet I am confused and struggling to understand why she had the stroke to begin with. My mother who lived for her family. Who struggled and worked her fingers to the bone each and every day of her life. Who made all of us feel special and loved. Who welcomed everyone into her home like they were her long lost child. My mother who only wants the simple things in life, to be loved, to laugh, to have friends, to have her family around her, to watch her tv show, read her books and work on her puzzles. It's hard to understand why her. I want to rail against the Gods and scream and cry and scream and cry some more. I struggle every second of every day with these thoughts and these tears. Don't pity me. Don't cry for me. Don't even try to understand me. I am especially troubled with the thought of mortality. My mortality. My mother. Steven. Even John. And it scares me. How long do we really have? I could sit here and feel sorry for myself or I could make a difference with my life. I could be the best person I could be and enjoy my life. I could enjoy others around me. I don't want to have any regrets. I don't want to look back and think "coulda, woulda, shoulda". I also don't want others to think ill of me. I'd like to think that people would say, "That Lori, she sure was a nice gal. So kind and thoughtful."

So really, what am I thankful for?

I am thankful for life.