More Kids

It is next to impossible to explain to a 6 year old why he does not have siblings.

"Mum mum, why there no other kids?"

"It would be fun to always have someone to play with. "

"Why?"

:(

Sitting in the Dark

I don't know why I haven't been updating this blog.  It's not like I have any kind of time consuming new hobby or anything.  I just haven't felt like it.  It has felt like a chore.  Like work.  Like a burden.

It has been like this for awhile.  I just haven't had the desire to write.  And since we moved, I haven't even had the desire to write in a paper journal.  Not once.  Not a sentence.  Not even in John's journal.  I don't even think I know where the journals are.  They may still be packed in a box somewhere in the house.

So what's been happening?  Let's see. 

I've lost weight.  I feel free.  We moved to a great neighbourhood.  John switched schools.  Steven has a motorcycle.  I'm doing well at my job.  And..

and
and
and

we lost Riley. :(

It's just such a big hole in my heart.  We're in a new house and I can actually picture him.  Oh how he'd love the ridge.  How much he'd love the bunnies.  He'd love the gigantic yard and would have loved to sleep under the playhouse.  He would have loved LOVED the cool tiles.  He would not have loved the stairs but he would have loved the coolness of the basement.

I can't even describe how much I miss him.  He wasn't just a dog.  He was our baby.  Our first.  He gave unconditional love.  He was so smart.  One of a kind.  It's just hard to get used to.

Smoke and Mirrors

I love reading blogs. I like reading FB (creeping, stalking, whatever)

Do you know what really bothers me?

All the people who are all flowers, puppies and fireworks. I don't expect people to let everything hang out but you need to take everything with a grain of salt. Sure you want to present your best possible "face" but in all fairness, who gushes and gushes about their wonderful perfect loving spouse or their gorgeous, smart and polite children ALL THE TIME.

Do you know what? Life isn't perfect. No one is perfect. That's what makes it wonderful and horrible at the same time.

Do you know sometimes that it's refreshing to read about the awful days. Not the self righteous preachy posts but the real day to day grit.

BS List

I also need to be less bitchy.

Wanting to kick the legs of the slow walking person in front of you probably isn't good karma.

New Year New Attitude

BS List.  Oh My GOD!  I'm not even going to bother doing a recap of last year's BS list.  It was a big fat failure.  But that's the great thing about the new year. 
New Year, New Attitude, New Leaf.  Right?

So in no particular order:

BS 2013

• learn something new
• do something outside my comfort zone
• be crafty
• read more (and track the books)
• read less trash
• read 6 non-fiction books
• read 2 educational non-fiction books
• be more patient
• work less (I know you're thinking haha, work less but if you only knew how much work I bring home.  And it's not like I fuck around at work, it's just my work load is very demanding)
• declutter my house
• declutter my head
• be more organized in my personal life
• lose weight
• exercise 3 times per week
• gain confidence
• meet one new person
• actually have a conversation with this new person
• go to a movie, but not necessarily with this one new person
• blog at least once per week (easier said than done)
• start printing photos
• get people to respect me more
• be less fearful
• value my own opinion
• stop caring about what others think
• be less judgemental
• be happy if I accomplish at least 2 of the above items, no wait 5 items
• oh and just don't forget to breathe

Happy New Year.

Thanksgiving

Typically when I write cards, I sign from the entire family. All our names. Including Riley. And I draw a little paw print.

These past couple cards have been tough. The card seems incomplete somehow without the Rye guy's name. And it makes me incredibly sad every time. Christmas cards are going to going to freaking kill me. I missed writing the poem last year and I vowed that I would write this year. But now I am dreading sitting down and writing. Will the words flow? Can I put it into words? How can I re-live the pain? My heart breaking all over again.

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this pain but I do realize that I also have a lot to be thankful for.

The good with the bad I suppose.

I need to be thankful that I had such a wonderful amazing fur guy. Not a pet but my baby.

Thankful for a loving mother. For letting me grow, sacrificing everything for us. Even though she was taken far too early.

And even thankful for my father despite my bitterness.

Instead of being angry or sad that we don't have more kids, I need to be thankful for my son. My joy.

Thankful for my husband. Who loves me no matter what. Despite the added weight and often surly attitude, he still thinks I am beautiful.

I need to be thankful for life. My life. Flaws and all, it's the only life I have and it is and will be only what I make it into. I can whine and begrudge. Or I can make a conscious decision to move forward. To no longer waste energy on the negative and things out of my control.

Overheard

John: you pee sitting down or standing up?
Me: sitting down
John: you need to practise. I pee standing up now.

Me: what did you do this afternoon?
Steven: I fell asleep
Me: you took a nap? Both of you?
Steven: no I fell asleep
Me: it's the same thing
Steven: you plan a nap, falling asleep just happens.