So Pathetic

John: me & the ball are playing hide and seek
Steven: who's winning?
John: the ball

Thank God we have play dates arranged for the next week.

Yea for apps!

Finally found a blogger app. Hopefully this means more posts.

Happy Birthday

Alright, I know slacker.  I completely blew off the month of June and will you look at that, July is almost over.  I can't even say it's because I have a life, because we all know that I don't.  I can't even make the effort to pretend that I have this fabulous, exciting, busy life because phew, just typing that sentence kind of made me tired.

Bottom line?  My iPad.  I don't post too much anymore because I have an iPad and I haven't had time to find an app that's compatible with blogspot.  I'm not sure why but in a nutshell, there it is.  I just can't be bothered with turning my laptop on, waiting for everything to load, plug in my adapter, find a comfortable spot blah, blah, blah.  But really you get the point, right? 

This will either be a super long post or a brief overview, I guess it depends on how many distractions I have.

So what's happened since the middle of May?  Honestly?  I'm not sure.  Here's the biggest one.

John's birthday!

And because ultimately, I am a lazy person, we only had one party for his little friends from school. 

The birthday boy and mom.

(btw, those are washclothes on his head)

Look who flew in to surprise us!

(this will potentially lead to the next big post!)

Auntie 2 & John. 

BUT this is the slide that broke my ass in April. 

Don't laugh, it hurt for a couple months.

Happy Birthday to you!

I made Dawna corral the kids at gift opening.  HAHAHAHA!

John, getting angry because everyone was opening the present.  Look at Dawna trying to placate the kids.

I probably shouldn't have made her sit with the kids, so unfair of me, no?

Still a bit angry.

So all in all, his party was a big success.  There were 10 kids from school, some parents, Dawna, Steven, me and the birthday boy.  I'm so glad we had the party at the playland because that meant that I didn't have to worry about all the shit in my house.

The after-party.

Ed, Pat and Oliver came over afterward and we had burgers, drinks and a fire.  Oh and we played with the toys!

Mother's Day

Gah.

I'm just not sure about Mother's Day.  Such conflicting emotions still.

I believe in an afterlife because it makes me feel better.  It gives me hope.  I like to think that mom is ever present and watching over me.

Awhile ago I started having mixed emotions over wearing my cross.  The cross that holds mom's ashes.  It's not that I don't want her near my heart any longer but rather how long should I mourn so ...so... well mourn.  How long exactly?  Is it awful to not want to mourn anymore?  Is it awful that I still feel like I'm in mourning?  Is it not awful?  Does it matter to anyone except me?  Does anyone really care?  All these things were running through my head.  I've been toying with the idea that I should stop wearing my cross and tuck it away somewhere safe.  Because it has come to represent all that is sad in my life.  A period in my life that if I stop and think back, I am automatically whisked back to the back room, looking at urns and crosses and bewildered and confused.  I can feel my heart breaking in a million pieces.  I can feel part of my heart gone.  Forever.  I thought that this heartache would ease in time and it has but not how I thought.  I mean, the day-to-day pain is gone but ever present, just lurking at the back, is the pain....the ache.  It's an indescribable pain.  It is like no other.  I'm not saying that it pops up all the time and that I'm constantly sad and depressed.  But the heartache is still there and I thought it would hurt less.

I can still think "what if" and tears come to my eyes.  I remember fun and stupid times, while it makes me chuckle it's bittersweet humour.

So that was my decision.  Was this cross literally my cross to  bear?  Was it weighing me down?  Was it holding me back?  Should I consider removing the cross and lighten my burden?  Was I horrible for thinking this?  Was I trying to forget mom?  Was I .. was I not right?  Should I feel bad?

Whirling around in my brain.  What to do?

And then one morning after my shower, I went back in the bedroom to put my cross back on and get dressed before going downstairs to do my hair.  I do the same thing every morning.  I pick up the necklace, I ensure that the cross is facing the correct way, I run the chain through my fingers to try and remove an potential twists or knots.  So I put on the necklace, fasten the clasp and I gently move the clasp to ensure that it is clasped properly.

Off I go to do my hair.I feel something slide down my neck.  I'm in the downstairs bathroom.

My hand automatically flys to my neck to fiddle with the cross.

OH MY GOD IT'S GONE.

I'm frantic.  I search for my cross.  I feel like yelling "Mom, Where are you?"

I finally find my cross and you know what?  The chain is broken.  Right beside the clasp.  My sterling silver chain that I bought to replace the cheap faulty chain that came with the cross.

I firmly believe mom is here telling me to move on.  Don't be stupid.  Why are you crying about me?  Be happy.  I don't want to be the one that is making you sad. 

So for now, at least, I am going to stop wearing the cross.  I don't even know if I'm going to get it fixed right now.  It just feels like a powerful message.

Happy Mother's Day.  I love you and  I'm going to be fine.

But man, I just wish I could talk to her one more time.

Playschool

I wanted to mention that I think John's playschool is awesome.  Sure registration was a nightmare but I hear that after all the issues last year, they've changed some features for this year.

Anyway, one of the major reasons that I picked this one was because they had access to a pool, a library, a large play area, a jungle gym and a gymnasium.  The class size was 20 kids and 2 teachers.  And if they have a field trip then they need to have a certain number of parent volunteers otherwise the trip is cancelled.

So far this year they've gone swimming three times, had nature walks, they alternate between the jungle gym and the gymnasium, there's craft time every day and they believe in learning through play.  They are going to a pet store tomorrow and at the beginning of next month they are going bowling.

He's been invited to birthday parties and playdates.

Frankly, he's thriving.

My regret?  That he wasn't able to attend last year because he wasn't fully potty trained.  And that I failed to enroll him the year prior to that because I was under the misguided belief that we'd be moving from the area and we wouldn't want to take him across the city to playschool.  I definitely had my head up my ass on that one.  Because 3 years later and we're still in this house.

I want so much for John to have everything that I didn't have.  And I want him to have experiences.  I want him to have friends.  I want him to learn how to be a friend.  I want him to be a good person.

A couple nights ago he was telling me about a boy in his class.  A boy, who at the beginning of the year was his BEST FRIEND.  A boy who always played with John.  A boy we'll call Bob. 

So John tells me that: "Bob no want to be my friend.  And I don't know why".

and as he's telling me this John's face is scrunching up and his nose and forehead are all wrinkled.\

Did you hear that?  That was the sound of my heart breaking.

He doesn't want to be John's friend.  All I can think is Why?  Why wouldn't everyone want to be John's friend?  I wondered if it was just Bob.  I wondered if my baby is playing by himself at playschool.  I wanted to hug him tight and cry.

And yes, I am completely over reacting.  I realize that.

Because after talking further....

John: "Bob no very nice."

John: "I play with ____ and ____ and _____"

John: "and I play with ____ and ____"

John: "_____ and ____.  they my girlfriends.  both of them"

So yes, my son is fine.  I however may not survive.

Valentine's Day

They made cookies at school.

And a valentine for mom.  Aww....

We made cards at home for him to take to school.  It was the family assembly line again. 

And thank goodness for Michael's.  They always mark down the seasonal craft stuff way before the holiday ends.  Love it.

I was covered in different shades of glitter and felt pen but we had fun.

The Birds

We love coming here.  We are at one with nature. 

but shhhh..... we also feed the birds.  I know that's a very big NO-NO!  Because it clearly states this on the sign at the gate.

But then again, it also says "No Dogs" and I'm sure I've seen dogs there before.  So we're not the only ones that blatantly flout the laws....err I mean rules.

Since we bought new binoculars, John now his very own pair of noculars.

Totally should have had both of them pose with the binoculars.

We ARE the bird whisperer family.
But word to the wise, you start feeding the birds then the birds will also follow you.  A bit creepy.

We're so easily entertained.