Call it a Day

I just don't have the energy to do a post. Or to be funny. Or to be charming. Or witty. Honestly, sometimes I barely have enough energy to get thru the day. Sometimes I thank God for work because then I don't have to feel anything, just do my job. Although at times lately that has definitely been a struggle to do even that. I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to process emotions. I don't want to talk it through. Or hear that you've been thru it too. Or that she's in a better place. What, dead? Yeah, I'm fucking sure that's a better place. If that's all you have to say to me then you know what? Shut up.

I'm angry. Sue me. Seriously though. Who in their right minds wants to hear "she's in a better place." Do you know where a better place would be? At my house, ALIVE PLAYING WITH HER GRANDSON.

And yes, still angry. Very VERY angry. But I'm still putting one foot in front of the other, I'm still carrying on and at the moment I am existing. Out of the blue, I cry. And the tears run down my face. I can cry silently now. You wouldn't even know I'm doing it unless you're watching me. And then suddenly, my heart ACHES. Like it's been ripped apart. There's no real words to describe the pain. But it's there. The hole is there and it's huge. The aching is like nothing I've ever experienced and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. A pain that you cannot fix. An emptiness that you cannot fill. Perhaps it can be mended but it will never be the same again. Oh the crying. I feel badly for the people that catch me when I cry. It's awkward. Trust me, it's awkward on both sides. You don't want to see me cry nor do I want to cry in front of you. Sometimes, hell, most times I can't help it. Okay who am I kidding, I can't control the crying, ever. So there. It could be a random thought that makes me cry. Something I see that reminds me of mom. Something that someone says or how someone looks. The kind words of friends. The kindness of co-workers. Especially the kindess and thoughtfulness of my co-workers and boss. It's unbearable to cry at work, I hate it but I can't help it. I know I make them uncomfortable by crying and I try not to but sometimes it can't be helped.

I'm existing right now. Do you know how I'm surviving? (well, besides crying alot).

This is why I'm surviving.

Because at the end of the day, I realize that I have my family and that life still goes on. Family is important. To nurture and cherish family. And to do anything else would be to dishonour my mother.

My sister Dawna said it best when she said "Mom was unconditional love. All that is good in me is from her. Nothing is the same without her. She is such a wonderful soul, I need to be more like her from now on. There has to be some kind of meaning to this time we are given."

And you know what? She's totally right. There has to be some kind of meaning to this time we are given.

Remembrance Day

I'M FREE

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God has chosen for me.
I took His hand when I heard him call;
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I've now found peace at the end of day.

If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joys.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss;
Oh yes, these things, I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
Look for the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life's been full, I savored much;
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seems all to brief;
Don't lengthen your pain with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and peace to thee,
God wanted me now-He set me free


Author: Shannon Lee Moseley

I miss you so much. I love you.

What am I going to do without you?

The King

Beer Belly and no ass. Our very own little Hank Hill.

We don't know why but he loves to dance to this theme music.

I keep trying to catch a good one on film.

Cutest Kid Contest

and I totally forgot to enter my child. Damn it. Talk about poor time management. Although, without John in the contest, the other kids might have a fighting chance now.

Really, who wouldn't vote for this cutie pie?

He was actually laughing & shouting when this picture was taken.

You know you love him too.

Riley and The Boy

It always starts out so innocently.

"Hey Riley, look at this." "Play with me."

"Hey Riley, come and look at this." "No?" "Okay, I'll come show YOU!"

So sweet. Always wants to sit near the Rye guy. And I can totally understand. I mean, while Riley has VERY stinky breath, he is always warm, furry and soft. So soft to touch.

"I'll just pet you." "Look, I'm doing it like you showed me." "nice, nice, Riley" "So Gentle"

"I'll just snuggle in here a bit." "Riley's so warm and furry" "So comfortable"

"Ah, yes...so very comfortable"

"Groan, yes...let me just stretch out a bit..."

"Well, hello there"

"Ride 'em Cowboy!"

Riley. So loved. He's such a good boy.

Happy Halloween!

Trick or Treat Everyone! This year we were fortunate to have wonderful weather, halloween on a Friday and a nice friend who came over to our house to hand out the treats so both Steven & I were able to take John out. (THANKS Crystal!)

We carved our pumpkins (one for each of us). I don't know why but I love carving pumpkins.

I did the spiderweb, that one is John's pumpkin. Steven carved the wolves for Riley.

And these one aren't lit up that well so the flash kept going off. And then I'd turn the flash off and you couldn't see the pumpkins... anyway, trust me on this one but the one on the left is VERY scary when it's lit up. It's a "horror face". That one is mine. And the other one is the skull & cross bones for Steven. I carved both.

And here's our little pirate. All set to go trick or treating. We decided to only hit the houses where we knew (& liked) the neighbors, so as a result we only went to 6 houses.

Marcia's house. The first house. They had some sort of smoke machine under the stairs, it was very cool. John was enthralled.

I LOVE this picture. It's on the way home from Fern's house. Although, I almost tumbled ass over backwards trying to get a picture while he was running towards me. Actually I'm sort of surprised that I didn't fall over.

And here's John's second costume. Dawna got this one for him last year. Well, actually Cindy got the pirate one for him last year too. Anyway... this one is too big so we'll save it for next year but we couldn't miss the photo op.

That's Crystal, handing out soda to John.

We thought we were prepared. We knew that since halloween was on a Friday that it would be busy. And since we live in a VERY family oriented neighborhood that it would be busy. AND that since the weather was gorgeous IT WOULD BE BUSY. What we didn't realize is that we get 204 kids and we would run out of soda at 8:30pm and have to turn out the lights and bring in the pumpkins. Fortunately, after we turned out the lights no-one knocked on the door.

Shhhhh....

Be Vewwy, Vewwy Quiet...I am hunting wabbits.